Dear Biggest Loser

Gail and I were dreaming of being contestants on 'The Biggest Loser'. With Resolution #1 being forefront on my mind, I am ready to take drastic steps to lose weight. Gail truly does not have much weight to lose, but she'd like the time away to get whipped into shape as would I. Our letters must be DRAMATIC and EYE CATCHING to get us on the show. Here's what I would write for Gail:


January 10, 2009

Re: 'The Biggest Loser'

Dear Sir or Madam:

One of the most intelligent and wittiest friends I have has a serious crisis with her weight. As a former New Yorker- turned small city girl, a few years ago Gail took the dramatic step of adopting a mustang named Dulce and a donkey sidekick named Fausto, along with her two dogs Gordon and Friday. Little did she know that Dulce was pregnant and Gail ended up with two horses (Dulce and Evita) for the price of one.

She hired a horse whisperer named Orry who keeps trying to whip Gail -- yes, Gail -- into shape. "You don't have a backbone," Orry chided Gail. "Those horses walk all over you!" Dulce once had anger issues because she was an abused and neglected horse. Evita was plain spoiled and had that mustang in her. Oh, but Gail just loves those horses, and in the process of taking care of those animals, training them, walking them, boarding one or the other because the horses fought over food, cleaning up manure constantly, and working crazy hours as a pharmacist, poor Gail neglected herself.

And then the inevitable happened: Gail was walloped in the head by Evita last month; thus, Gail decided to find a new home for her. She didn't want to sell Evita, you see. She wanted to be sure that whomever adopted her horse would not send her to the meatpacking plant. Gail, through the kindness of her heart, made a healthy donation to a horse ranch that rehabilitates horses for adoption. Maybe due to the damage to her head, Gail paid that horse ranch handsomely to take Evita.

Ever since Evita left a few weeks ago, Gail feels guilty for her happy honeymoon phase she is in with Dulce. Gail just dotes on that horse and dresses herself up for Harvest Festivals. However, she can no longer twine flowers and fruit in her tail to win the Harvest Festival rider and animal contest. Notice the twosome in happier times:

Gail cannot continue to ride Dulce while wearing that most beautiful and cumbersome of 'Chiquita Banana' hats as Dulce has a sway back due to Gail's increase in weight.

Please take pity on my friend who pays people to take her beloved horse, who dresses up herself and animal to win contests, who neglects herself because she puts others before her, and who now has a sway back horse that is rendered practically useless due to Gail's weight gain. Let Gail be the next 'The Biggest Loser' contestant. She'll add pizazz to your show with hilarity, wit, and determination to lose that weight.

Sincerely,

Elena

p.s. Everyone should have a friend like Gail.